Have you ever found yourself fighting for an idea of what you want a relationship to be rather than face what’s really there?
But at some point the truth kicks and kicks until it can be ignored no more…
I’ve noticed, broadly speaking, there’s 3 ways we tend to approach these situations. I call them the good, the bad and the ugly and in today’s episode I’m going to share them with you.
The bad one is really crap and yet it’s sooo common in relationship - I’d even go so far as to say it’s the cultural norm. So I’ll let you know why it’s a tragedy and hopefully you can avoid it, or at least spot it quicker and change it so you don't have to suffer the inevitable consequences of going down that path
The ugly one is still… well… ugly… tho it does have some redeeming features… Interestingly this is most prevalent in our wonderful world of spiritual and personal growth - in fact it’s often thrust in your face by well meaning ‘awakened’ folk… but, alas it’s fatally flawed and I’ll tell you why so, again, hopefully you can make use of it only when it’s appropriate and not fall into the quagmire of pain that it can so easily lead to.
And the good? Well it’s super-wholesome and I highly recommend it - so I’ll lay it out for you and tell you why it’s so great - hopefully inspiring you to go with it next time your in that relational funk…
But it CAN be super scary, as it’s a kinda counter-cultural, so I’ll look at those fears and offer some perspectives that will help you overcome them.
So, if you want to up-level your relationships - especially at that point of growth where the proverbial poo hits the fan - click that play button and let's crack on with episode 40!
Boundary issues are one of THE main causes of relational conflict, heart ache and uncertainty.
In a few short weeks, I’m going to be re-opening Boundary Bootcamp, my stellar 4 week online course where you’ll get everything you need to overcome your boundary blocks, build healthy boundaries that work for you (and hold them, even in the face of resistance) so you can start feeling great about yourself, revamp your relationships so they’re juicier, healthier and harmonious without you having to compromise and create a life that works for you!
THE BAD: YOU ATTEMPT TO MAKE THEM CHANGE…
Good luck with that.
Getting into a place of ‘needing’ or even ‘wanting’ THEM to change in order for you to be happy or fulfilled gives ALL your power away and puts an enormous amount of pressure on them and the relationship.
You become victim - can even get self-righteous about it.
They become the ‘how could they’, ‘why don't they just…’ enemy
Dialogue can of course inspire your beloved to stretch and discover for themselves what’s true for them… But ultimately their shift must come from THEIR true inner desire to do so, or it will be unsustainable and only perpetuate the cycle.
And by the way: Just wishing and wishing is a recipe for limbo…
THE UGLY: YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF…
Look at your dissatisfactions, your issues, your judgements and how they are mirrors for your internal world…
That, in my experience, can be a great use of any conflict brought on by the growth impulse.
Certainly it can help you become more conscious of your own unhelpful patterns.
But at some point it reaches its limits, actually becomes counter-productive and demands a relational collaboration…
If you put all the weight of relational responsibility on your shoulders (in other words, if you enter the mode of “I must fix myself to make the relationship work”)… Well, you’re actually disempowering your beloved and putting huge pressure on yourself.
That’s a set up for relational failure.
It puts you in a reactive, rather than pro-active state.
If your relationship is in a rocky space, and you take this road, you will, most likely, only cause yourself additional suffering…
THE GOOD: YOU ALIGN FULLY WITH WHAT YOU WANT...
You get super clear on what YOU want to experience, let go of everything you’ve created in the relationship and open to where life is pointing you.
This drops any judgement of what they are, or are not doing.
It has no agenda for them, and doesn’t make ‘who you are’ wrong in anyway.
This may challenge you to set clear and healthy boundaries, but boundaries are a clear prayer to the Universe that lay out who you are, and what you wish to experience in your relational life.
You are simply saying from your own clarity “This is what I would like to experience, this is where I am heading. I’d love you to come and you are free to choose if that is what you want to”
It empowers them. It empowers you.
And any dialogue from this place, will come from a deeply wholesome space within you.
I strongly encourage you to trust that, even though it might get rough in the adjustment, what you want is also seeking you and life will find a way… with or without them…
The main objection I hear to “The Good” is an understandable fear of what you will set in progress by getting clear on what you want and speaking it.
Will it end the relationship?
Am I being selfish?
What will the larger consequences be?
We are so culturally trained to deny what we truly want, and cling on for grim death to the status quo.
Letting go of what has been and is undesirable, is literally that:
Letting go of what is undesirable.
And there are so many ways it can resolve into ‘the desirable’, and, yes, relationally that may be with or without the same person – but in the end, this is your life and you do deserve to live the life you desire.