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3 Kinds Of Conflict (That Cause Shut Down And Pain) | Part 3: External Conflict | BABH S2Ep117

season 2 Feb 02, 2022

EPISODE 117: 3 Kinds Of Conflict (That Cause Shut Down And Pain) | Part 3: External Conflict

Do you ever feel torn apart when the loved ones around you are in conflict? Or perhaps you’ve had clients that’ve described this?

Well, you’ll definitely want to pay close attention to this episode.

It’s the final part of my 3 part series looking at the challenges, psychology and impact of conflict issues.

We’re exploring the 3 kinds of conflict that, from working with my clients and in groups, I’ve found to be the number one cause of feeling blocked, stuck and confused.

In these episodes I want to give you some insight into each of the 3 kinds of conflict. In particular what may be happening internally that creates the difficulty. And I’ll be offering some pointers to show you the path to more ease in navigating this inevitable aspect of life because staying stuck and at a loss with conflict can become a subtle prison for your self-expression.

So far we’ve looked at inner conflict and conflict with others. The 3rd kind of conflict, and today’s focus, is the sometimes excruciating pain of feeling helpless, in the middle and sometimes even torn apart when those we love and care about are in conflict with each other.

Also I’ve got a live zoom event coming up where I’ll be showing you how you can use the simplest and most effective tool I know for resolving all 3 kinds of conflict. It’s an NPA framework that you can use with your clients (if you have them - in fact I pretty much use it with every single client I see and it works like magic)… and of course it’s an amazing way to help you with your own conflict issues. Make sure you stick around to the end so you can hear how you can attend the event and start navigating the conflict issues you meet like a pro.

So, without further ado, let’s dive in to Part 3: External Conflict

Quick Links from this episode:


Conflict At The Core Of Drama:

  • There is no drama without conflict.
  • Drama in its pure form is the juice of life (hence good conflict usually lifts us with positive life-giving drama).
  • Injecting false scenarios and set ups to create high drama (life-sapping)
    • The X factor - that cliche’d pregnant pause
    • Hyped up drama in the news - supposedly a straight factual report - but the drama get’s the rating and to hell with keeping it real (or accurate, or agenda free) 

How does it relate to conflict in our lives…

  • Understanding that conflict isn’t intrinsically a bad thing - there’s more nuance to it.
  • Wherever conflict shows up in your life - or the life of your loved one’s - you’d be doing everyone a great service if you could discern the difference between life-giving conflict and drama and the life-sapping stuff.
  • At the core of the Non-Personal philosophy is the practice of committing to having no agenda in the healing/therapeutic space
    • That’s why I often say that, while those who go through NPA Mastery to become NPA practitioners get a ton of NPA tools and skills (which are super cool btw), what they’re really learning, and the thing that takes them from a good facilitator to a super-star one is The Agendaless Way.
    • It’s baked into all the NPA processes and Frames - including The Integration Frame which you’ll learn at The Harmony Equation
  • The fascinating thing I’ve found is that The Agendaless Way has an amazing side effect, which is to give you that high level of nuanced discernment - exactly what you need to effortlessly walk the perfect line with conflict and drama - both with your clients and in your own life.
  • All this keys in to the main topic of the day, which is external conflict because the non-personal perspectives are a life-saver if you find yourself torn up by other people’s conflict.

External Conflict:

What Is It?

  • 2 (or more) people that are not you in conflict and it’s really tough for you
    • Even though it’s NOT you, it creates conflict and high stress in you.
    • Classic would be your kids, your friends, your parents etc
  • Shows up mainly in the highly conflict averse - so if you feel this that tells you something about yourself
  • Could also be two organisations/philosophies like with ‘conflict with others’ (see part 2)

What happens internally (when there’s an issue) + External impact (cost)

  • At around 20, when my friends argued about the walking pace and each ended up going at their own I didn’t know where to put myself - ended up walking half way between them - dying inside - literally felt physically torn apart - can you relate?
  • "It’s not you but it effects you"
  • Taking it personally ‘that’s me that its’
    • Usually a result of creating self-identities based on who you are with others
    • Also can come from sense of well-being being based on others well-being - I’m OK only if you’re OK…
      • Both of these are an avoidance of self responsibility - for your own identity and/or wellbeing.
      • A very fragile set up - very disempowered, reliant on others, co-dependant - instability
  • At it’s core it’s a lack of self-identity
    • Ironically this comes from a fear of the conflict of asserting who you are - a vicious circle
    • Usually in childhood it was perceived that showing up as you was a bad idea
    • It’s amazing how impactful it can be to resolve the core perceived conflict between your parents and find the hidden harmony - the perfect balanced energy that works for you (Something we do in The Harmony Equation is The Parental Frame).
  • A particular personality type feels this very acutely
    • They happen to be the type that make up the largest group that ends up doing self help - and likely make up a decent portion of your clients (if you have them).
    • Also that means that a LOT of facilitators also come from this personality type pool
      • It’s part of what makes them good at what they do
      • But those conflict issues can block your ability to help people as well as you know you can

NOTE: All this comes from a basic fear of conflict and there are simple ways to resolve that. The best I know of is what I'll be teaching you at The Harmony Equation Event.

A Perspective Gem That Will Help The Symptoms

  • Stop taking it personally (NPA and The Harmony Equation are ideal)
  • Dis-identifying from external conflict doesn’t mean you don’t care, doesn’t mean you don’t love.
    • Think in terms of bodies of energy - clouds clash, waves clash but you don;t take it personally…
  • Consider the nuances of drama - in my example they were absolutely fine with the conflict (some personality types are!) - it was only my issues.

Action Steps

  • Download The NPA Process HERE
  • Contemplate who you are - meditate on your individual identity, distinct from others
  • Inquiry/journaling on what perspectives could help you feel OK when others are not
    • You not being OK doesn’t help them - you’re actually less resourceful
  • Join me at The Harmony Equation obviously!

And the simplest cure for conflict issues?

Book your place on The Harmony Equation

Discover the world's simplest tool for resolving conflict and finding harmony.

Do you have clients that seem stuck, blocked and unable to move past certain issues?

They likely have unresolved conflict and the approaches you've been using haven't hit the spot. This event will give you a truly unique, powerful and effortless way to guide them to the resolution they need so they can leap forward to that healing breakthrough.

The work you’ll learn at the event is so magical; I use it with nearly every client.

Click Here To Find Out More & Get Your Ticket


Episode 115 Here's Part 1 of this 3 part series, which I also recommend you listen toLISTEN HERE

Episode 116 Here's Part 2 of this 3 part series, which I also recommend you listen toLISTEN HERE

Episode 74 This is a great episode to get some background on the new paradigm of relating which underpins The Harmony Equation: LISTEN HERE


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It seems like a gift; innate and reserved for the chosen ones... but the reality is, it's a skill.

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