Have you ever been in a situation where you get triggered and become defensive?
That defensiveness seems to take over and the situation gets worse. Good communication goes down the pan, things spiral out of control, feelings get hurt and all there seems to be is pain and disconnection...
Well, the good news is: There ARE ways to break that cycle.
You can shift your state and come back to connection with the minimum of pain and relational damage and this episode will show you how.
In this episode:
Click that play button and let me know how this episode impacts you!
Defence & Survival Strategies
Going into 'defence' mode is usually as a result of being 'triggered'
Defence creates walls of separation from yourself and others. Our defence strategies and what triggers them is generally learned and conditioned from childhood and/or previous relationship experiences. They are strategies designed to avoid pain, but usually cause pain by the time we are adults looking to experience mature relationship.
Examples of how defence strategies can manifest:
3 Step Approach to Taking Yourself Out of Defence
DISTINCTION: This may not be appropriate in abusive situations
STEP 1: Awareness
STEP 2: Decision & Intention
STEP 3: Intentional Techniques
If steps 1 & 2 don't automatically bring your defences down, then use an intentional technique like NPA. You can use NPA in the heat of the moment by saying it in your head. You can either let out the yucky stuff (defensiveness) or let in the yummy stuff (what you really want)... or both!
Other 'heat of the moment' approaches:
Sometimes you may need to step away to cool off. This gives time to use intentional techniques, including those mentioned but also others that may take more time, for example:
Other useful modalities:
What To Do When You Can't Seem To Let Down Your Defences
Sometimes we all need help and doing 'self-work' isn't the wisest choice. In that case get some professional support to let go of whatever deeper issues are keeping the issues hooked in.
The dark side of pride in Episode 38 👇🏻
Making the decision to let go in Episode 5 👇🏻
Beating yourself up vs. acknowledging your crappy behaviours in, Episode 6 👇🏻
How to really listen and the impacts of labelling in, Episode 8 👇🏻
Self forgiveness in, Episode 36 👇🏻